Dispatches from Maine

Just another person of little note writing about ordinary things. That I reside in Maine is icing on the cake.

19 July 2005

The Injuring Door and Home Improvement Nightmares

I spent this past weekend working with my father-in-law on his house. My task was to replace the trim on a door, the trim having become victim to the weather. The task seemed easy enough until I removed the old trim and found the dry rot went a fair bit deeper into the door frame. Off to The Despot to purchase a door frame kit. The helpful sales guy tried to con my father-in-law into buying a whole new door with the assertion that it was the same price as the frame kit. The math was interesting to say the least:

  • frame kit $70
  • sill $20
  • door with window $189
  • Sales guy arguing that $90 equals $190 Priceless!
After some wiggling we escaped The Despot with out lives and just the $90 option. Replacing the frame went well for me, considering it was my first time. The miter cuts, without the aid of a chop saw, was somewhat less than entertaining but it came out alright in the end. The door opens and closes and latches and no longer needs to be tied open. The project was essentially a success, but...

In the process of winging the metal sheathed door around I managed to torque my back pretty terribly. This simple act transformed what we call "sleep" from a solid seven or eight hours of solace to two hours of low grade unconsciousness bracketed by a grunting turn from one side to the other. This gave a new freedom to nightmares, which were all home improvement oriented.

I dreamt I was standing in my kitchen when I hear a groaning sound and turned to look at the sink. I realized the counter top was lifting because the outlets appeared to be sinking down into it. Then a loud cracking sound and water shooting into the sky and *** I woke up sweating and nervous with lancing pains in my back. It was 2:37am and I was too rattled to get back to sleep. I grabbed my pillow and went downstairs to check if my countertops were in place still; all was well in the kitchen. I picked a snack and settled onto the couch to continue my reread of The Physics of Star Trek, an excellent book for the literalists of the world if it is a little dated here and there.

Two hours later I was asleep again having dozed off on the couch. I was walking through my in-law's garage and I needed to walk through the door I replaced. Every time I approached it would fall in toward me then when I pushed it the door would fall away outside. Trying to find a balance point while searching the floor for a screw or a nail or something to secure the door before the window breaks *** My youngest is sitting on the couch asking me what is wrong, it is 5:30am.

After getting her settled with a snack and a saved show. I just want to mention that the folks who invented TiVO have a special place in Heaven. Now you can save the shows on TV that your kids can actually watch safely and rely on the good old V-chip to keep the bad stuff at bay. I went upstairs with my pillow again to try and catch a few good Zzzz's. No sooner had I laid down than the nightmares came again with the basement flooding again or the garage falling down. Soon I gave up and went downstairs for breakfast.

The horrors of home improvement nightmares.


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